Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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