We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
