Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I look better un-naked...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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