She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
