I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
