dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
