Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
