I want to walk on stilts...naked
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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