I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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