How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
