I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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