Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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