she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
