dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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