went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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