if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
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I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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