i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
