living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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