I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
