PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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