i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face