Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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