I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize