i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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