She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
