Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
