everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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