Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
