where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
