Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
pop tarts are not kleenex
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
