??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm getting married
To pizza
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
