The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My vagina just recognized that song.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
