thus making me awesome and them whores
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
