My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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