margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Just cropdusted the office
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
