I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
