dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
