someone threw a dead crab at me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
How naked do you want me to be?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
