fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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