recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
