mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
