At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
