Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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