Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
