Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
