Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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