I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
