A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
