The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
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I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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