My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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