i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
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we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
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Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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