well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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