...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
