nut hugger
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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