Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You left your phone here
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